Joke from quickfunnyjokes.com:
Q: How do hens cheer for their team?
A: They egg them on!
Welcome to the 3rd lifeskill. Let’s review:
We focused on the #1 lifeskill - Understanding that everything that happens to you is not always about you. These lifeskills are based on an article in Psychology Today, “Lessons You Won’t Learn in School” by Jena Pincott.
Our last lifeskill - #2 lifeskill was “Focusing on other people without dwelling on how they view you.”
This lifeskill is “Realizing that you don’t have to act the way you feel.”
Do you just feel like sometimes your feelings are just all over your face? I have fair skin. When I get embarrassed or hot, you can literally see the red on my face. I can’t cover it up. As hard as I try, it is probably just going to make any extra attention or focus on it just worse! This lifeskill goes a little deeper than that though.
You’ve probably felt sad, mad, or glad before, right? Ever felt anxious or depressed? Sometimes people’s feelings are just clearly written on their face. You might say, “Gosh - you look happy!” as they are smiling from one ear to the next. Or if they are sad you may be able to read it in their body language and face.
I want people to be authentic and genuine but sometimes we just have to fake it ’til we make it. The good news is that you are not transparent.
As much as I have been accused of being able to read my client’s minds - I can’t. Sometimes I totally get it wrong about what my client is feeling. Some of my most anxious clients appear to be totally together.
I don’t want you to really fake how you are feeling, but let’s be frank. We all know someone that their world is your world. Whatever they are feeling - they put those feelings all over the place.
We all need to exert a little bit of self regulation. Right? There are times when you need to just keep it together for the sake of yourself and others.
Parents might be a good example. You don’t tell your small children all of your problems do you? You don’t burden them with the stress of paying the mortgage or the insurance, do you? Save that for when they are about to go on their own and you need to teach them some financial skills. You know it’s not helpful to them when they are young to give them burdens that are not theirs.
It’s that same skill you can use today. You got in a fight with your boyfriend. Does the whole world need to know that you are mad or sad? No. Do you need someone to talk to about it? Of course.
But back to the lifeskill - you do not have to act the way you feel. If you can pull it together, according to the author Jena, you can preserve your dignity, your privacy and your self respect.
Nelly Neighbor down the street doesn’t need to read your feelings all over your face when she sees you at the grocery store. You’re not being fake when you say “Hello” and keep moving along. You’re just keeping it together for both of your sakes.
So, how do you do this? Keeping it together and not letting your personal feelings show all over your face?
I can’t help you with the blushing but the skill of “self distancing” is one way to regulate your self. Reflect on your feeling from another person’s point of view. Act as if you have 2 minds. One is looking at your situation from a distance and the other mind is you - the one suffering. This distanced mind can either write out his/her thoughts or say it out loud or even think it.
Let me give an example. Talk about going back in history here. I was at Myrtle Beach in middle school with a friend’s family. I don’t even know who all I was walking with but there was a group of us walking down “The Strand” - the happening place to see and be seen. I was just taking all the sights in. What I didn’t take in was the huge crack in the sidewalk where the adjacent sidewalk stuck up in the air. I totally tripped over it and landed on my knees and my arms caught my face from hitting the pavement too. I jumped up and realized that because I was at the back of the group - nobody saw me!
Whew! Until I heard a much older guy yell at me from the car that was cruising by. He said, “That’s ok sweetheart, just get up and try again!” OH. Em. G. Talk about just wanting to die. Everyone in my group turned around to see who he was yelling at and there I was - blushing. (Remember last week when I said we don’t always have a spotlight on us…well this was an exception.)
Ok, so back to why I am telling this story. At some point my “other mind” said, “Pam - that sucks. Not only is your knee banged up but some guy saw you and now half the street knows you are a klutz. But - who cares? You don’t even know these people and your friends are going to be friends with you no matter what. Just get up and shake it off.”
I was then able to think a little more clearly and rationally. That helped me to have some control over how I acted the rest of the night.
Jena even wrote that if you can say your name while using the thoughts or words of this other self or mind, it helps. It’s like having a friend talk to you. You can look at yourself in the mirror and say, “So, Pam, you have a zit. Yep, it’s a big one. We can cover it. And even if we can’t, it’s fine. We’ll get through it. That zit does not define you.”
This compassionate but firm self talk can help you shift your “mood and behavior”. Try it - it can definitely help!
Jena wrote that according to Ethan Cross, the director of the Emotion and Self Control Lab at the University of Michigan - “the more emotionally intense the feeling in the moment, the better self-distancing works.” So, next time you feel like your feelings are all over your face - try talking to yourself with self distancing and let me know how it goes!